I'm reading the first one now, I like the plot you've made but if I would have to comment then I would suggest a different use of words to make it more comfortable to read, by that I mean that a different word can make reading a lot easier like going with the wind instead of against it.
Example: that first time...all those men... all that blood...When it hit me in the face I was shocked at first,
When it hit me in the face ought to become When it splattered over my face Paint doesn't hit =P it splatters and if you use that word it becomes more fluent to read
Also the thought part could be a lot more beautiful without the interruptions I unknowingly used the Geas which possesed her to kill and she became a threat to all those she loved...I had to pull that trigger...I couldn't let her be a puppet to a command she couldn't fight...I had to....no matter how much it hurt... ->> Unknowingly I had used Geass and it possessed her to kill, and so she became the threat to all she loved. I had to pull that trigger, I had to because I wouldn’t allow her to become a puppet under an order she couldn’t control, it didn’t matter how much I loved her and how much it hurt, it was something I had to do.
now I'm going to read the second one :D
>>C.C stood by Lelouch's side as he discovered the true face of his parents. 'As' should be 'when' grammar speaking
Also try and avoid using the same word multiple times in one sentence >>Lelouch looked at Suzaku and then looked at C.C who looked at him sadly.... A little overdosis of looked ha ha, you could use the word stared or glanced
I thought it was enjoyable to read and I don't mean anything bad with the above comments, I improved my writing massively through the comments of other readers, it is IMO the best way to learn the English language and I always like yearn for comments, beside the usual "I loved it" messages, that might help me improve. Though a good old "this was great" does put a smle on your face so here it is ha ha. Good job! If I had to pick a fav it would be the first one!
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Example:
that first time...all those men... all that blood...When it hit me in the face I was shocked at first,
When it hit me in the face ought to become When it splattered over my face
Paint doesn't hit =P it splatters and if you use that word it becomes more fluent to read
Also the thought part could be a lot more beautiful without the interruptions
I unknowingly used the Geas which possesed her to kill and she became a threat to all those she loved...I had to pull that trigger...I couldn't let her be a puppet to a command she couldn't fight...I had to....no matter how much it hurt...
->>
Unknowingly I had used Geass and it possessed her to kill, and so she became the threat to all she loved. I had to pull that trigger, I had to because I wouldn’t allow her to become a puppet under an order she couldn’t control, it didn’t matter how much I loved her and how much it hurt, it was something I had to do.
now I'm going to read the second one :D
>>C.C stood by Lelouch's side as he discovered the true face of his parents.
'As' should be 'when' grammar speaking
Also try and avoid using the same word multiple times in one sentence
>>Lelouch looked at Suzaku and then looked at C.C who looked at him sadly....
A little overdosis of looked ha ha, you could use the word stared or glanced
I thought it was enjoyable to read and I don't mean anything bad with the above comments, I improved my writing massively through the comments of other readers, it is IMO the best way to learn the English language and I always like yearn for comments, beside the usual "I loved it" messages, that might help me improve. Though a good old "this was great" does put a smle on your face so here it is ha ha. Good job! If I had to pick a fav it would be the first one!