FANFIC - LELOUCIA IN A RED RIDING HOOD

[shirogiku.livejournal.com]

Title:  Leloucia in a Red Riding Hood
Genre: Crack in disguise
Characters: Leloucia in a Red Riding Hood, Wolf, Hunter, Grandmother
Rating: T
Summary: Leloucia was on her way to her snappy Grandmother when that impertinent Wolf decided to jump out of the bushes right in front of her…

***

Leloucia let out a single guttural shriek and kicked the attacker straight in the groin, exactly like her wise old Grandma had taught her, with all the little strength she could have mustered up. Nonetheless, it proved to be more than enough to cause him to double over, his face contorted by pain, and to mutter something illegible. The girl couldn’t help but beam proudly at her impressive skill in the field of self-defense. Nothing could possibly beat a successful preemptive strike on the aggressor. She proceeded to spin around on her heel to make a run for it while he was still disabled.

“W-wait, Miss Red Riding Hood!” The wolf suddenly forced out, apparently having trouble remembering how to breathe. His face was of a very nice shade of red, matching the elegant hood that the girl was currently wearing. The cape was very stylish – she had designed and sewn it herself, and of the finest fabric, embroidered in gold. “It’s just a misunderstanding!”

“Oh?” Leloucia quirked her eyebrow in her trademark gesture, glancing over her shoulder with her arms akimbo. “Are you trying to say that you’re not, in fact, a wolf?”

Come to think of, apart from his obviously wolfish furry ears and his fluffy tail, the attacker had a mostly human (and harmless) appearance. Was he a sheep in wolf’s guise?

“Hai! Boku wa Wolfza-, erm, just Wolf,” He stuttered, having somewhat recovered from the sheer impact of being in the Great Red Riding Hood’s presence, but still very intimidated (or so she hoped). “I’m very sorry; I didn’t mean to scare you!”

“And what, pray tell, were you thinking, jumping on me like that?” The girl inquired severely, set on giving him no quarter. ‘Scare me?’ The Great Red Riding Hood feared no one and nothing! Well, except for her father, elder brother and other genus of spiders.

“The Hunter is chasing after me, but I prefer to avoid unnecessary confrontations,” The Wolf explained sheepishly. “The Hunter might get hurt while trying to skin me. But I think he has lost my trail for now.”

“And you’re concerned for the hunter?” Leloucia couldn’t believe her ears. Had he been hit on the head too?

“The village needs a hunter,” The Wolf said, smiling at her amiably. “Who would carry out his duties if something happened to him?”

Even Leloucia couldn’t argue with that. But local wolves still were idiots.

“Well, Mr. Wolf, or whatever it is that you’re called.” She announced, not forgetting to make a dramatic pause.

He looked back at her, expectant. Were wolves supposed to have those huge green eyes? Even her Grandma’s were a nasty wolfish yellow, and Leloucia failed to understand how anyone could compare them to amber.

“I suppose I could do you a big favor – which I’m going to call in anytime I want – and hide you at my grandmother’s place.” The girl pronounced, making sure to sound appropriately gracious.

“Really?” The Wolf wagged his tail like a home puppy. “I-! Thank you so much!”

“Follow me,” Leloucia commanded, rolling her eyes up, and striding purposefully towards said direction. “By the way, we’ll have to think of a clever disguise for you…”

…

The road seemed longer that Leloucia remembered.

“Could you, please, not sing?”She asked in irritation. “The Hunter might hear you, you know. And it’s not a Disney cartoon you’re in.”

“Oh, I’m sorry!” The Wolf apologized eagerly. “But, at least, it isn’t The Grimms’ Brothers fairy tale either, right?”

“Yet.” Leloucia added darkly.

…

 “Oh, you’re a girl, right?” The Wolf suddenly asked, clearly bored by walking in silence.

Leloucia cast a withering glare at the moronic animal.

“Umm, I mean, with all those cross-dressing fics floating around…” He scratched his head. “One can never know for sure.”

Leloucia hmph’ed in indignation and didn’t deign an answer.

…

“Huh.” That was the Wolf’s reaction to his disguise, carefully laid out for him on Grandma’s king-sized bed.

“Well?” Leloucia asked, crossing her arms. She had even taken the trouble to iron it!

“I don’t think I’d make a very convincing grandmother.” He elaborated, looking the pink nightcap and the nightgown of the same color up and down.

“Neither does she!” The girl complained with a heavy sigh.

“What do you mean?” The Wolf knit his brow in confusion.

“Well, firstly, she looks younger than I am,” Leloucia actually started to count on her fingers. “Secondly, her hair is neon green. And, thirdly, she is squandering my money on junk food while I’m stuck here cooking pies and hiding in the countryside!”

“Are you in hiding too?” The Wolf asked enthusiastically. “Might you be in some sort of trouble?”

Leloucia slapped her mouth in exasperation: how could she have let that slip?

“That’s none of your business.” She declared. “For now.”

“Fair enough.” He ceded. “But if there’s something I could do-”

Leloucia scrutinized the skinny Wolf once again – no, he didn’t look like he could eat her father, or anyone, for that matter. Right, this one was probably a vegetarian.

“Yes, yes, I was in the middle of figuring out how to make the best use of you.” Leloucia commented absent-mindedly, twisting one of her tight locks around her finger.

“Well, that’s… cold.” The Wolf sounded almost disappointed for some reason.

“You’d better start changing into those.” Leloucia pointed out, gesturing at the night attire meaningfully.

“But I’m sure you have a heart of gold.” The Wolf mumbled under his breath

Why was he making eyes at her? Damn wolf.

Leloucia left him to his changing and navigated to the kitchen to make herself some tea. Did he drink green tea, she wondered.

All of a sudden, someone knocked on the door once and twice, each time more insistently.

“Quick, get into the bed!”  The girl ordered, rushing to the entrance. She stole a quick glance, making sure that the Wolf was where he was supposed to and that he had pulled the blanket up to his nose, and opened the door.

“Yes?” Leloucia grunted in the most unfriendly tone of the century, hoping that it would shoo the potential visitor away.

“Hey, babe,” The Hunter smoothed out his reddish hair while leaning on his Freudian axe.

The girl winced, fighting the urge to slam the door in his face. If only that move couldn’t be interpreted as suspicious… The Wolf squirmed, seemingly agreeing with her and making the bed creak slightly.

“Hello, Mr. Hunter,” She gave up on trying to kill him with her glare only.  For now. “How can I help you?”

“I was thinking: a girl like you, all alone in the woods…” Even Leloucia could do a deep masculine voice better than the Hunter. He was clearly trying and failing to imitate someone.

“What?” She snapped out with an involuntary shudder.

“With all those wolves around, you must be very scared.”The Hunter said with a wink.

“Well, I’m sure that he isn’t there.”  Leloucia blurted, too quick for her own liking.

“Who?” The Hunter asked again in confusion.

“The Wolf.” Leloucia explained tiredly.

“Ah!” The Hunter exclaimed. They stared at each other in an awkward silence for a few moments.

“Can I come in?” The man inquired, placing one muddy boot in the door frame.

“Hello, Grandma!” The Hunter waved to the Wolf, who was feeling more and more uncomfortable with each passing moment, over Leloucia’s shoulder. “You look like a real peach!”

“Would you offer a tired soul something to drink, babe?” The man had somehow managed to slip past the girl into the guest room and seat himself into the comfy chair, crossing his legs and putting them on top of the table without removing the boots.

No one was allowed to call her “babe”. No one. Ever. No.

“Right away, my good Sir,” She forced out, her teeth screeching. Now where was that pie with a sedative in it? Leloucia had spent too much cleaning her house to tolerate unsanitary footwear.

“My, what big hand you have!”  While Leloucia was busy looking for the pie, the Hunter had redeployed himself to the Grandma’s bed and was holding one of “her” hands with great interest. The “old woman” herself was looking nothing short of terrified. The Great Red Riding Hood had to salvage the situation immediately.

“Here, have some pie. I’ve cooked it myself.” She said, practically shoving the tray into the Hunter’s hands, succeeding at distracting him

“Delicious!” The man announced, champing loudly.

Both the Wolf and the Red Riding Hood winced. The girl attempted to send him some reassuring signal, but the stupid animal stared back at her without comprehension.

The Hunter wiped his mouth with his sleeve and resumed staring at Leloucia’s poor old “Grandma”.

“My, what big teeth you have!” The Wolf had just tried to smile politely to alleviate the tension. No, Leloucia didn’t find them all that big. Those were nice, healthy teeth, promising no perspective money wasting on the dentist, unlike the Hunter’s yellow ones.

"The better to eat you with," Leloucia declared with a dark chuckle, showing her teeth as well and startling the Hunter.

“Did he faint?” The Wolf asked. “That was scary, you know.”

“No, I gave him my extra special   - he’ll sleep like a log for the next twenty four hours or so, ”Leloucia explained smugly. “Don’t worry, he’ll survive that.”

“Now then, help me tie him up and hide him in the wardrobe.” Leloucia commanded.

The Wolf climbed out of the bed with a look of resignation.

--

And now a bonus male Lelouch speed version:

Lelouch yelped and fell on his ass. His nose was surely bleeding.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to punch you in the face! I thought you were the Huntress!” The Wolf exclaimed apologetically.

…

“Hello there.” The blond Huntress purred, leaning against the doorjamb and playing with the rope in her hands.

Lelouch gulped.

…

THE END.

P.S.

She tied them up together, back to back, and did nasty things to them.

Comments

Re: :D

[transient-words.livejournal.com]

(I'm doomed, lol ...)

Yes, it's fun!

OH YES. And he went 'oro'. He was oddly adorable. XD You do? That could end up either being very cracky or actually serious if one chooses to make it so!

Re: :D

[shirogiku.livejournal.com]

I waaant liek mad~~
With Kaoru!KallenXD

Suzaku going "Oro!" and then Ore would work sooo goodXD

Re: :D

[transient-words.livejournal.com]

I sawwwwww what you did there XD. At the kink meme .

I think Kaoru Kallen works! It really does. I didn't consider it before, but it really does.

It would XD.

Re: :D

[shirogiku.livejournal.com]

Where else? XD
I want my Suzaku/Kallen timez...
and Suzaku with a blunted sword and MPD

(your last fill was incredibly, smokingly hot)