Refrain alert

[schwindelmagier.livejournal.com]

Hi, I am new to this great community. Have watched it for a while but got a LJ account just recently. So, as a little gift, I bring you a fanfiction (which I wrote some weeks ago)! It's my very first Code Geass fanfic. :D
English is not my mother tongue, so I hope there are not too many mistakes in it....

Title: Why should I value a present like this?
Author:  My glorious self
Characters/Pairings: Lelouch
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 840
Warning: Spoiler up to episode 7 of R2... if this can be considered a warning
Disclaimer: I (unfortunately) don't own Code Geass or any characters connected with it.

Summary: Set during episode 7 of R2. Lelouch's thoughts and feelings when holding the drug which brings back the past, Refrain, in his hands. And what happens if Kallen hadn't interfered? Lelouch's POV.

I embrace the injection with both of my trembling hands. “Stop shaking!” I tell myself, the pain will soon vanish but what follows will be permanent, a memory worthwhile. Or should I say “journey”? The liquid which is so well-known as “Refrain” weighs heavy on my palms yet it’s not a quarter as heavy as the burden the world has placed on my shoulders. If I can’t even bear the present, how shall I live in a future coined by everything I longed to hamper? I always wanted to be loved, wanted to be needed by someone. However, you stole an important person from me years ago and now, when I finally gained the strength I could have used to change the world and loose Britannia’s grip around Japan, returning its freedom and peace, thus, establishing a world where my sister could have lived in happiness, you’ve stolen a dear person from me again! No, it’s even worse. It was her wish, she volunteered and I am of no use any longer. I mustn’t indulge myself in getting in her way and putting my sister’s dream at risk. Zero is no longer and my pity yet at the same time despicable self, “Lelouch”, doesn’t deserve love and isn’t needed anymore, neither in the present nor in the future. You’ve chosen your knight on the day when we met in the airship, in the garden which was merely blinded by your kindness and beauty, Nunnally.

Suzaku… my hands tighten the grip around the object of salvation and perdition by the mention of this name. My former best friend, my worst foe by now. A knight of justice in a shimmering white armor… Nunnally’s knight. “If powerlessness is a sin, then is power justice? Is revenge a sin? Is friendship enough for justice?” was what I said when I had won my power, the power of the king, back. But now, what is left of this power if I can’t use it, if I don’t want to use it any longer because I once swore to never harm her?  Well, I suppose I am the weak one who has to atone for his sins by disappearing from this world’s surface. You were right, I was wrong, Suzaku.

I lift the injection to my forearm and press the tip of the needle against my bare skin while staring at the tempting liquid in the small vessel with blurred sight. I just have to pull the trigger and dive into the never-ending world of memories, a past that can’t be changed, a past that mustn’t be changed. Here, at a small, lonely port, I will disappear.

Sayônara, Nunally.

The needle bores violently into my skin, filling my vein with a brown liquid and my mind with mists of the past. I was right, the pain wouldn’t last for long. I can already taste the unshackling feeling of happiness although my body begins to grow numb resulting in my hand loosing the grip around the injection pistol. When it hits the ground, the vessel shatters, spreading fragments of glass… and so does my consciousness. I can barely feel the coldness of the steel beam’s metal pressing against my cheek. Neither do I notice the black curtain setting in front of my eyes, covering my already malfunctioning sight. I am about to dream a dream I will hardly ever awaken from. But do I want to wake up and face the cruel reality again? I guess not…

On top of that, the world Nunnally is going to create is better off without me.

I can see her. A walking Nunnally, eyes still open. She’s romping in the most beautiful garden I can remember. A garden which fits her and the wonderful, gentle woman who’s observing the playful child, perfectly. Her long black hair is dancing in the wind and a smile kinder than anything else in this vast world, decorates her glorious face. Cornelia and Euphie, being of one mind, are collecting flowers as always to eventually braid a wreath while Clovis, his blond hair not stained with blood yet, portrays the white palace and its surrounding. Even Schneizel is present, obviously waiting for another chess game with me. Nonetheless, I will never beat him although I am quite a skilled player and tactician. Neither did I beat him in the past, nor do I in the present and I will never do so in the future. I glance back at Nunnally, my dear sister.

Oh how I wish the past could last for eternity.

With Refrain, it does. Even if it’s just a lie made of pictures of old times. However, for the time being, I am happy. Nevertheless, it’s a forbiddance for a sinner like me to feel something close to happiness. I guess it can’t be helped. I still own a human side even though I am a sorcerer due to the contract with a witch.

Value the past and learn from it because the dance with the devil is a risky one.

| END |

 

That's it. I hope you enjoyed it. ^__^